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冬瓜blog

DE BD7PZX,DE MY LIFE K
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New Year, 2024

It feels like 2023 went by so quickly, and suddenly it's already 2024.
A lot of things happened last year, although not many of them were good.
I feel more and more overwhelmed, and my grades are steadily declining.
It seems like every time I write something, it's always negative energy.
Actually, it's not that bad, after all, besides certain jerks, no one else will read this.
Everyone is like this, even more so in the anonymous city life.
The people who pass by won't care who you are. Maybe the person who was chatting happily with you yesterday will turn against you in an instant.
In such a society, we can only struggle and seek solace in the non-existent virtual world.
This may also explain why mental illnesses are so prevalent among contemporary people.


After the mid-term exams, I had a fight with my family and stopped going to cram school.
As expected, things got worse.
One thing that makes me curious is why I got this score in Chinese.
Being in the top 2.8k out of 3.2k in the district is already amazing maybe I'm not Chinese.
My expectations for the future are becoming more and more bleak. I don't know what to do. The last two weeks of the semester can be considered as truly aimless.
However, looking back, I vaguely remember that I wasn't so dispirited before.
Is it because of me or something else? Finding the so-called "real culprit" is meaningless.
It's probably due to the gap. I've tried hard every time, but I can never achieve the grades I want, so I just lie down and give up. I think there are many people like me.
But, I remember I had dreams, but I've long forgotten what they were.
What an ironic thing, to forget dreams that were supposed to be the driving force of one's growth. If it were the old me, I probably wouldn't have expected this to happen.
Radio, music, photography, blah blah blah, all such distant dreams.


I don't know what I want to do.


Nowadays, I feel like every day is fulfilling, but upon closer inspection, it's so empty and powerless.
No one looks at my photos on 500px, my submissions don't get approved, I can't get a radio call sign, and I can't ride my bike fast enough.
It seems like I'm a jack of all trades, master of none.
Thinking about it, I must have disappointed many people's expectations.
I didn't do well in the entrance exam for middle school, nor in the one for high school. Maybe I won't do well in the college entrance exam either.
Although life is not just about exams and studying, in this examination-oriented society, the fate of the social class I belong to has already been determined.
It reminds me of a joke I once read:

In China, games need to have educational value, movies need to have educational value, music needs to have educational value.
But studying doesn't, studying is used for selection.

I suddenly laughed and let go of my worries.jpg
Perhaps only in moments like this can I feel my own powerlessness.
The power of one in 1.4 billion is too insignificant, too small to change anything.
I float aimlessly among the torrent composed of 1.4 billion people. If you try to go against the flow, even if you're doing the right thing, you will be attacked by the crowd.
I vaguely remember that it was the same during the period of the Republic of China on the mainland, right?
After all, the winner takes all, a truth that has existed since ancient times.
Absolute freedom cannot be pursued, absolute justice cannot be pursued, and the more this is the case, the stronger the desire and the more painful it becomes.
This society needs fools, not thinkers.
btw, writing these things makes me feel like a 12-year-old internet-awakened angry young elementary school student.
But I'll still write, after all, I still have the right to write.


I've finished venting, let me talk about recent events.
The band I formed at school finally had a performance, although it was only within the grade.
We were passionate on stage, but the people below felt awkward watching.
The overall effect was not very good, but we were quite satisfied.
Also, I recently started taking photos of trains.
On the Guangzhou-Shenzhen railway, I've been able to capture quite a few trains: 1A, 6A, 380, 300AF, 400AF, SS8, HXD1D. It's really interesting.
But there may not be many types of trains on the Guangzhou-Shenzhen railway during the day, so I should try going to take photos at night.
Hmm, is there anything else I can write?
Oh right, I wrote something before, but the file got lost and the wayback machine doesn't have it, so let it drift away with the wind.


I should write a conclusion here, but I don't want to.
In any case, I hope I can embark on a path without regrets.

EOF

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